Grand Theft Sasuke
by Naughtypanther77
Summary: Pure crack. Based off a picture I saw. What would happen if Sakura wanted Sasuke to herself and didn't want to share...Rated M for language and pure stupidity Hints of yaoi, yuri, and hentai Read at your own risk


Grand Theft Sasuke

*don't own Naruto*

*this one-shot was inspired by this picture on deviantart: SasuSaku 4ever by !Anna-kokoro*

"Alright people, that's it for today now I got a special request for the popular yaoi and yuri group so please get into your respected places everybody" the announcer named Hyō said over the intercom as the Naruto characters left except for those in the category.

"Alright I can't wait" Naruto said excited before he jumped because somebody pinched his ass. "Hey Itachi, not outside the bedroom" Naruto said huskily as walked over to the smirking Uchiha.

"N-Naruto-kun, what about us?" Hinata said softly as she watched the blonde over on the yaoi side of the picture while Sakura, Ino and Hinata was on the yuri side.

"Yes Naruto, to avoid a mishap like last time, we want you the real Naruto on the girls side and a clone on the boys" Hyou said weirdly, as she holding in a nosebleed, which earned a protest form Naruto.

"Aw, come on, that's not fair. It wasn't my fault that I had to see Itachi and all I got to do was fight him. I mean if you had to fight your lover and couldn't go further with it you would have pounced on him too after the set. I mean who can resist this much sex appeal for so long, certainly not I" Naruto pouted while Itachi gave him a long searing kiss that the had fan girls cheering and Hyō secretly take pictures to sell to said fan girls before Itachi whispered something in his ear. "...okay let's get this over with" Naruto yelled as he made a clone, henged into a girl, and joined the three kunoichi in 3 seconds flat.

"Thanks Itachi (I think), now where is Sasuke so we can get this over with" Hyō said as everybody looked around for the younger Uchiha. They spotted him wearing his Sound outfit except the belt was now just a rope around his waist and his shirt was wrapped around his waist.

"I'm here" Sasuke said with a smirk that had the fan girls dropping like flies as Naruto and Itachi urged him over. Orochimaru flickered his long tongue and Kabuto shivered at impure thoughts of Orochimaru's tongue while Sasuke walked over to them. Ino and Hinata greeted Sasuke while Sakura was quiet, shaking a bit. Hyō saw this from her spot and knew something was about to go down. She was right for as soon as Sasuke was within range she cried out.

"STOP!" the pink-haired kunoichi yelled making everybody look at her in confusion. "I can't live with this lie no more" Sakura screamed as she ran over to Sasuke, who looked uneasy for a second, and kissed him to the shock of all of them.

"Sakura you whore!" Ino yelled angrily before they all watched stun as Sakura grabbed Sasuke's purple belt and tied him up with it before grabbing a hold of forehead protector.

"What the hell are you doing you pink-haired sl-" Sasuke screamed before his words was cut off by his own forehead protector being placed over his mouth as Sakura tied it. She then stole his weapons case and attached it to her leg before grabbing the tied up Uchiha.

"Damn it, somebody stop her. No to Sasusaku" Hyō cried over the intercom as she and everybody watched as Sakura picked up the tied Sasuke and ran to an escape car that seemed to have appeared out of nowhere. As Sakura was running, a shot rang out that barely missed the pink-haired kunoichi. Sakura turned in time to see Naruto pump up a shot gun.

"You're not taking our Sasuke-kun" Naruto said before she had to dodge when a pistol appeared in Sakura's hand and she started to shot before she threw Sasuke into the red car with "SASUSAKU 4 ever" on top jumped in after him. She then threw the car into drive and drove out of the studio, barely avoiding Tobi who appeared out of nowhere.

"Tobi's a good-AH" the masked Uchiha screamed before he jumped out of the way of a crazed pink-haired kunoichi who had stolen her wanted Uchiha. Naruto cursed as he saw her escaping before he turned to Itachi, Orochimaru, and Kabuto.

"AFTER HER!" Naruto cried as he jumped into blue car with the words 'YAOI' and the Akatsuki red clouds on it that also mysteriously appeared out of nowhere. Naruto, Orochimaru, and Kabuto hoped into the back while Itachi slid over the hood and jumped into the driver's seat, a cigarette and shades instantly appearing on his face. Itachi turned the keys that was already in the car and took off after Hinata and his kidnapped brother with a shot gun holding Naruto and a encouraging Orochimaru and Kabuto.

"Should we follow them Ino-chan?" Hinata asked softly while a vein throbbed on Ino's forehead before she jumped up, a fist in the air.

"Damn straight" she said as a pink car with the words 'YURI' in green and 'YEAH' on the front license plate also mysteriously appeared out of nowhere which Hinata and Ino, jumping in the driver seat, took off in after the two cars. Just as they peeled out of the studio, Tobi being hit this time, the rest of the Naruto crew had returned to see what the noise was about and sweat dropped, wondering what the hell was happening.

"...well this is interesting" Hyō said as she watched the high speed chase on her TV as she had one of Sai's ink birds keep track of them, thinking about how much money she could make off this chase. As for the chase, Sakura wasn't giving up one bit as she drove like a bat out of hell down the dirt road, the yaoi and yuri cars right behind her. Sasuke started struggling to get free when Sakura glanced at him and patted his leg before she returned to her driving.

"It's okay Sasuke-kun, you're safe with me" Sakura said which only made Sasuke more scared and double up his efforts on escaping. As Sakura was about to punch him out to stop him from struggling, a shot was heard and Sakura cursed before she pulled out two pistols from nowhere and leaned out the window, Sasuke trying to the drive the car with his feet.

'_How did I get myself into this mess' _Sasuke was thinking as he tried to keep the car steady while Sakura shot at the two cars chasing her. Sasuke heard shouting and tried to see what was happening but only managed to move his sight to the back seat and what he found there made him pale even more, to the point he looked like Sai. In the back seat was condoms, video tapes of porn, a camcorder, hand cuffs, a riding crop and were those purple things...vibrators?

'Somebody save me' Sasuke thought while outside there was a large battle going on between the three cars. Sakura was shooting and shouting about how she was giving up Sasuke-kun while everybody else was protesting.

"Shot her ass Naruto-kun" Itachi shouted as he moved the car right and left to avoid bullets as he tried to ram her again, already smashing the light and part of the hood from the first attempt.

"Damn it Sakura, give us back our man" Naruto shouted, still in kunoichi form as he tried to shoo the pink-haired she witch down.

"I can't wait to tongue rape Sasuke-kun" Orochimaru chuckled as avoided the bullets sent flying his way when Sakura heard him say that. Too bad Kabuto wasn't fast enough as he was shot between the eyes.

"I'm hit, sh-_dead_"

Behind all the action, Hinata and Ino was right on their tails when Sakura started shooting at them. Hinata and Ino was trying to catch up and put a stop to the madness that was in front of them.

"Naruto-kun...come back" Hinata yelled, hanging out the window while Ino cried out her anger.

"Sakura! How could you!" Ino yelled as she held up her arm where a bracelet was that had Ino heart Saku on it. Through all this torture, Sasuke was thinking and saying the same thing.

"Someone save me" he was saying loudly but it was muffled due to the protector covering his mouth. Another hour had passed before Sakura was finally brought down when her car ran out of fuel. Cops appeared out of nowhere and arrested the pink-haired kunoichi and charged her with kidnapping, use of a illegal handguns, assault, and attempted rape, and any other thing they could find to pin her. She was somewhat saved the director who said he needed her for future Naruto episodes so her punishment was changed to being the group's "bitch". After this incident, Sasuke needed counseling because he woke up in the middle of the night with nightmares about pink-haired green eye monsters coming to rape him. Tobi was admitted in the hospital for a few broken bones. As for the rest of the Naruto crew, they still couldn't figure out what the hell had taken placed that fine crazy day.


End file.
